i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
