Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
