I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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