i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
