we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
