hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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