Yo dont text me then not text me
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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