i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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