I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
