I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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