seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize