I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
