Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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