I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
