whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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