i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Randomize
