Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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