Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
