Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
