yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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