she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
