Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
