worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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