mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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