I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
