Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
