Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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