I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
