Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
