watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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