i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
