i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
