I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
