Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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