Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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