you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My vagina is officially offended.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
