The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
