2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
