Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
pray to the hookup gods
Randomize
