I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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