ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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