carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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