It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
