I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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