i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
