I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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