Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
