So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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