This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
