I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
