he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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