How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
