hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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