If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
