i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
