chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
