Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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