apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He better not be in your backpack
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
